


You're my light

by GonerLoner



Series: vent fics [8]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bad Writing, Body Horror, Dreams and Nightmares, Dreams vs. Reality, Graphic Description, Hallucinations, Horror, Hurt/Comfort, Insomniac Bang Chan, Multi, Nightmares, Open to Interpretation, he keeps dreaming about them dying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-06
Updated: 2019-10-06
Packaged: 2020-11-25 22:27:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20919632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GonerLoner/pseuds/GonerLoner
Summary: Chan keeps getting violent, graphic dreams about the darkness coming to get his members.His insomnia, the fear of sleep plus the busy stress of their schedule eventually demands their price and hallucinations where his dreams mingle with reality leave him breaking down in the middle of a crowd.





	You're my light

**Author's Note:**

> Another vent piece.  
Because I totally wanted (needed) to write some horror - or kind of...  
And I can't sort out my feelings so I wrote about them. And apparently I needed to write about killing somebody.
> 
> Wtf is wrong with me.
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I gotta say that idk much about insomnia - i only know that not sleeping for a long time (or well sleeping for less than two hours a night for several months) can lead to hallucinations. Be careful of graphic descriptions in Chan's dream where the members get killed - I also tagged this piece as Graphic Depictions of Violence and Body Horror to be sure.
> 
> Hope someone can still enjoy this...again, no editing. I wrote this in less than 3 hours.

_ “Chan!” _

_ Jeongin’s hand stretches out, reaches for him, but he’s too far away. Slipping from his grasp. _

_ Chan can only watch in horror as the skin melts of Jeongin’s face, blood covering his eyes, flesh sizzling away to reveal the pale bones underneath. _

_ Until only skeleton bones remain. _

_ Chan screams. _

“Jeongin!”

A scream ripped through the peaceful silence of the dorm, jolting several members awake. 

Chan clutched his chest as his heart threatened to jump out of it, his breathing heavy and his hand still outstretched to do the impossible and pull Jeongin back to him before he’s slipping away into the darkness, the darkness that peeled the skin and flesh of his body-

“Oh God.” He sobbed, pulling his arms towards his body again and making himself smaller, smaller, smaller. He could feel the darkness grasping at him too, a burning starting on his bare arms-

“Chan-hyung?”

It took him a few seconds to look up, meet Minho’s eyes with his own, widened ones.

Minho clicked his tongue softly and kneeled next to Chan’s bed. “Hyung, can I touch you?”

Chan’s eyes flickered around the room, his breathing picking up. “Dark…”

The darkness that got Jeongin.

Oh god, Jeongin!

He gasped, jumping up and stumbling towards the door. He had to make sure Jeongin was okay-

“Hey, hey, wait up, hyung.” Strong arms kept him from reaching the door and he flinched violently, another sob clawing from his throat. He didn’t manage to register the voice as Changbin’s.

Minho frowned as he came closer. “Hyung... what did you dream?”

“Jeongin…”, Chan sobbed instead of an answer, now clinging to Changbin as the strength to fight drained from his muscles and they both sank to the floor. The younger rapper gently drew circles on his arms. 

“Hey, hey...hyung. Jeongin’s okay, don't worry.” Minho kneeled in front of them and cupped Chan’s cheek, causing him to look up with teary eyes.

Chan didn’t know himself why he was acting like this...Maybe his sleep-deprived brain plus the nightmare and how shaken it had left him.

He couldn’t answer Minho, the words getting stuck in his throat.

Changbin hummed. “Wanna check up on him? I bet most of the others are awake now anyway.”

Chan felt a sliver of guilt nagging at his heart but he nodded anyway, letting Minho and Changbin help him up and making his way to the door. 

And just as he opened it to go outside, there was a flurry of movement, some surprised squeaks, and five people suddenly tumbling into the room. 

Chan grunted in surprise, catching the closest to him before they all fell to the floor.

It happened to be Jeongin.

Big, sleepy eyes looked up at him and Chan felt his heart stop for a second as he cupped Jeongin’s cheeks with a gasp, checking him over to see if he was okay.

“Hyung…?” Poor boy, he had no idea why Chan was this worked up. 

He sighed in relief and wrapped Jeongin into a tight hug. “I’m glad you’re okay. So glad.”

And if more tears were letting his voice break as Jeongin reciprocated the hug and six other members piling in to comfort their leader...no one had to know.

It wasn’t very common for the members of Stray Kids to dream of each other, but when it happened, it never was anything good.

Everyone could remember one night where they dreamed of someone getting left behind, hurt, cast out, or straight up missing - Felix and Minho often talked about dreams of getting left behind or losing the others. 

It made Chan worry that even if their survival show was over for more than a year, their elimination had left a serious trauma behind in both of them. 

After nights like this, he did his best to stay close to them, paying attention to every word Felix was saying, talking in Englisch to help ease the burden of their second language for some time, and offering cuddle time to whoever needed it.

Chan stayed close to Jeongin during their next day, getting paranoid about letting him stay in any dark place.

He used to be comforted by the darkness...how did one single dream change that?

They didn’t talk about what exactly he had dreamed. He didn’t want them to know the graphic details...it was enough that they had figured out it was a nightmare and Jeongin got hurt.

So, the maknae didn’t say anything about the added attention from their leader.

He just cuddled into his side on the ride home, sighing in content and tiredness.

Chan smiled and softly kissed the crown of his head. “Not much longer and we’re home, Innie. Then you can go to bed.” 

“Mmh,” Jeongin murmured and kept holding on to Chan’s arm. 

It stayed silent in the car for a bit, the rest of them either on the brink of falling asleep or already sleeping. They had a long day behind them, everyone was exhausted. They wouldn’t have any problems going to sleep immediately after arriving.

And showering.

“Will you also go to sleep soon, hyung?” 

Chan looked down on Jeongin, blinking slowly. “Huh?”

Jeongin huffed. “If you’re going to sleep soon. You need to sleep as much as we do.”

Chan smiled and ruffled his hair, smile widening a bit at Jeongin’s indignant huff. “I’ll try my best, Innie.”

Truth was, he was afraid of going to sleep.

All members immediately got ready for bed as they arrived home, two guys at once hitting the shower so the others wouldn’t have to wait much longer.

“Chan-hyung, please go to sleep soon, alright?” Minho stretched languidly, covering his mouth with a hand to hide his yawn. “We have an important concert tomorrow."

“I know - no need to remind me, Minnie,” Chan smiled, pulling a soft, clean hoodie over his head. “I just need to clear my mind for a bit, I feel too wired up to go to sleep right now.” He took his laptop and walked towards the door.

But Minho stopped him before he could leave their room, looking at him for a few seconds before pulling him against his chest, his arms gently circling around Chan's shoulders and directing his head against his neck.

Chan closed his eyes, melting into his embrace with a sigh.

“Don’t hesitate to wake someone if you get another nightmare,” Minho whispered.

A chuckle. “Don’t worry...If that happens, you’ll know.” 

With a sigh, Minho let him go.

The screen of his laptop was the only light in the living room, hurting his eyes.

For about an hour, it was enough to distract him from the thoughts in his mind as he worked in concentration, finishing up another song that was due in a few days.

But tiredness began to nag at his mind again, making his eyelids droop as he momentarily nodded off.

His head snapped up again after a few seconds and he stared at his laptop, blinking. Maybe it was enough for today.

Carefully, he placed the device on the couch table along with his headphones before pulling the blanket over the backrest of the couch over himself and curling into a ball. He was too tired to go back to their room. 

The couch was comfortable either way, it wouldn’t do any harm if he...fell asleep here...right…

_ Screams ring through the darkness. _

_ Chan is running, those screams seem too familiar to be able to ignore them. And it feels like a knife is piercing through his heart every time they vibrate in his skull. _

_ He can’t see anything...It’s too damn dark! _

_ Huge, yellow eyes open before him, almost as big as Chan himself. They stare him down, cold and unforgiving before the black pupils look downwards and their light reveals someone struggling against tendrils of oily darkness. _

_ Chan feels his blood run cold. _

_ “Jisung!” he screams before he starts running again. They’re too far away, he won’t make it in time… _

_ He sees Jisung’s head turn, wide, teary eyes staring at him and his mouth opens for another scream the moment the tendrils tighten their grip. _

_ Blood seeps out from underneath, the tendrils on Jisung’s arms start pulling, pulling, pulling until both arms rip away from his body, more blood spraying out from the wounds. _

_ Jisung’s scream makes him run faster, even though he feels paralyzed with terror. The monster and Jisung seem to slip away, getting farther the more Chan runs. _

_ The yellow eyes look at him again and a burst of manic laughter slices through his brain. _

Chan jolted awake as he tumbled to the floor.

His breath was flying through his chest, hacking like coughing sobs full of tears.

It took him a few seconds to realize that he was awake, laying in the living room of their dorm, a silent dorm with all his members and they were okay.

The image of Jisung getting his arms ripped out appeared in his mind.

He forced himself to stumble to the door, outside and into the bathroom, collapsing next to the toilet and emptying whatever pitiful excuse of food he still had in his stomach. 

Shivers ran down his back as he remembered the violent, manic laughter at the end of his dream, making him gag once again.

As he was finished, he fell back to the cold tiles of the floor, curling in on himself and sobbing silently.

Jisung.

He froze. Did the dark take him too? 

A bad feeling settled in the pit of his stomach as he stood up and cleaned himself up a bit, quietly leaving the bathroom and walking along the hallway towards Jeongin’s, Jisung’s, and Seungmin’s room.

_ Just a little check-up. _

_ So he could go to sleep again. _

Chan glanced into the room.

It was peacefully dark, all three beds occupied and the soft breaths of said three young members filling the air. 

Chan bit his lip as he carefully walked towards the bunk bed, kneeling next to the bottom bed in which Jisung was sleeping.

The boy had his face turned towards Chan, features relaxed and his arms stretched wide over the whole bed, sighs escaping from his slightly opened lips.

The sight was calming, making Chan relax a bit.

He smiled shakily and stretched out a hand to push a strand of hair from Jisung’s face.

“I’ll make sure the darkness never gets you, Sungie,” he whispered.

Jisung didn’t stir and continued sleeping.

Naturally, since he once again awoke in the middle of the night and didn’t get more than...two hours of sleep, if even...he was extremely tired the next morning.

But the members didn’t need to know that it was another, an insanely graphic nightmare of one of his members getting killed in front of his eyes that kept him awake.

It didn’t mean the others weren’t worried about his state.

“Chan-hyung,” Minho started, brows furrowed in worry as he fumbled with the sleeves of his stage outfit.

“Mh?” Chan turned towards him, smiling as best as he could around the food he was eating. 

Minho sat down on the sofa next to him. They had another hour before it was stage time and tried to use the time to relax a bit - Seungmin, Changbin, and Felix napping on the floor, cuddled up into a tangle of limbs, Jeongin leaning on the armrest of the sofa while he tapped away on his phone, Jisung and Hyunjin laughing as they entertained themselves with playing dice games.

“What’s up, Minnie?” Chan swallowed and put his bowl of rice and meat down.

Minho hesitated, brows furrowing. “Are you okay? You seem like you didn’t get much sleep last night.”

“When do I ever get enough sleep,” Chan chuckled before a yawn slipped him. “I didn’t, but it’s okay. Let’s rather concentrate on giving a good show for now, shall we?” He leaned sideways until he was laying in Minho’s lap, hugging his middle and grinning up at him.

They shouldn’t worry about him. 

Minho blinked, huffing eventually as he lightly hit Chan’s shoulder. “And I was worried...yah, the makeup noona send me over to say you can go get your make-up done - you’re the only one missing.”

Chan huffed but stood up, staring down at Minho for a second before walking away.

The show passed in a blur. 

_ Rainy stage. Be careful, don’t slip. _

_ The slip-up that threw him on the floor violently, but he got up immediately, continuing to dance and sing despite the throbbing ache in his elbow and side. _

_ The way all the members were glowing, the way their smiles were shining as they looked into the screaming crowd of fans. _

This was why Chan kept going, never stopping. People were relying on him.

He couldn’t help but let his eyes stay on Jisung for longer than usual, feeling uneasy when he went from his sight for longer than a few minutes.

Was he getting paranoid?

Maybe.

Most likely.

The next day was promised to be easier - well, in comparison to their recent activity.

It was still stressful.

They were leaving the country, flying to Thailand for the next K-Con. Which meant getting up at 2 am after barely any time to sleep, gathering their suitcases, and making sure nobody was missing.

Chan barely had any time to think about how he finally got three hours of uninterrupted sleep as he rushed the sleepy kids into the vans before climbing in too, driving off.

Jisung was seated next to him and asleep by the time Chan sat down. He cuddled closer as he felt another source of warmth next to him.

With a pang in his heart, Chan pulled him closer.

He hoped to everyone and everything that might hear him up above that the dreams didn’t mean something was about to happen to his boys.

He had to take care of them...he had to.

Their flight would last for a few hours - which meant they would get another opportunity to sleep. Something all members reacted to with tired smiles of bliss, chatting quietly as they all found their place and got seated.

Chan yawned as he pulled his seat into a position where he could rest more comfortably, he knew he should be responsible and try to get in a few more hours of sleep on this flight.

Fear made itself known at the back of his mind - fear that he might dream again, might see another one of his boys getting mutilated.

But that thought didn’t catch his attention fast enough.

The airplane had barely left the ground before he was asleep.

_ “Someone! Help!” _

_ This time, he can recognize his surroundings. He’s not running through sole darkness - he’s running through the streets surrounding the JYP building. _

_ And this voice sounds a lot like… _

_ “Hyunjin!” _

_ He wills his legs to go faster, but it feels like he pulls them through sees of molasses. _

_ Chan doesn’t reach them soon enough. _

_ He can see Hyunjin, his eyes wide in fear where he cowers on the ground, two shadowy figures standing around him, one holding something sharp that glints in the light of a street lamp. _

_ A knife. _

_ One of the figures grabs Hyunjin’s arm, lifts it high. _

_ Hyunjin locks eyes with Chan the moment the figure starts to break his fingers, one after the other. _

_ His screams, pain, horror, and fear, pierce through Chan’s skull and he screams Hyunjin’s name in answer, tears running down his face as his surroundings slip away from him, the figures and Hyunjin getting smaller and smaller, but Chan still sees the blood running down his chest from where the figures have cut him open- _

Chan gasped for air, jolting up in his seat, wide, fearful eyes staring in front of them.

The moment the picture of a deathly terrified Hyunjin came to his mind again, he whipped his head around, searching for the eldest member of the maknae line - only to find him crouching right next to his seat.

Chan flinched back at the proximity. “Wha-”

Hyunjin smiled softly, worry shining in his tired eyes as he lifted a hand to gently touch Chan’s.

“You...you called for me in your sleep…”

Chan looked around in the plane, luckily they were flying steadily. Changbin and Minho were watching him from their seats, holding Seungmin and Jeongin in their arms.

Taking a deep breath, Chan looked at Hyunjin again, trying out a smile. It felt fake. “I’m okay, Hyunjin, it was just a bad dream.”

Hyunjin frowned. “Must have been a really bad one - you looked really out of it…”

Chan hesitated before reaching out and pulling Hyunjin into his lap, smiling at how the dancer made himself smaller to curl up into Chan’s side.

“I’m okay now”, he whispered. 

“Wanna tell me what the dream was about?” Hyunjin asked quietly, playing with the strings of Chan’s hoodie.

“No...it wasn’t that important.” He kissed Hyunjin’s temple.

Of course, it was important and he was worried as to where those violent dreams came from.

But that was nothing his members could help him with…so it was best to not worry them about it at all.

The days in Thailand passed by faster than Chan thought they would. 

This time, it was Hyunjin who he kept an eye on, almost paranoid for anything to happen to him. 

And the dancer seemed to feel that it relaxed Chan to be around him so he actively sought him out for cuddles at any given possibility.

It caused a lot of fans to coo over them when one of these was a fan meeting outside in the cold. Hyunjin kept clinging on to Chan, causing him to giggle from time to time and ruffle his hair.

It felt good to know Hyunjin was close to him and he could protect him from anything evil happening.

Their busy schedule didn’t leave much room for Chan to reflect on his nightmares, to think about what may have caused them, and why they were so violent. And also this frequent - this was the third time he had dreamed of another member in less than one week.

What was happening to him?

Changbin and Jisung made sure to not leave him alone during their time in Thailand, always making sure they were there with him when he was working on songs and writing lyrics, both working alongside him.

And even though Chan hated the thought that he robbed them of their sleep, he was somehow grateful that they still stayed. He didn’t know if the darkness wouldn’t come out to get him too if it found him alone in his dark hotel room.

Keeping himself busy, he pushed the thought of the dreams into the back of his mind again, focusing on keeping his members on track and not letting any of them slack or slip up.

A crash was bound to happen sooner or later.

It happened the day they came back from Thailand, the plane had long already touched the floor and they got their luggage - now, the only task left was to get through the fans outside and into the cars waiting for them.

Chan swallowed at the sight of people waiting for them, outside the airport hall.

So many girls and boys, so many fans that only came for them…

On normal days, this sight would make a smile appear on his face, but today, it only made him sick. How should he be able to look out for all of his brothers in a crowd like this?

They wouldn’t make it and the girls would get a hold of the kids, pulling them, twisting them, _ killing them- _

Their manager only needed one look at his paling face and stopped, placing both hands on Chan’s shoulder. “Chan-ah, please look at me.” Their voice was firm and stable, searching eye contact to pull Chan back to the ground again.

Swallowing, Chan did how he was told, looking into the manager’s calm eyes. He was glad he was wearing a facemask; he didn’t want anyone to see how sick he felt.

“We got this. I’ll be going first, taking Seungmin, and Changbin behind me.” They looked behind Chan to make eye contact with the rest of Stray Kids. “Minho-ah, you take Jeongin and Hyunjin and go behind me; Felix and Jisung will go with Chan. Make sure you don’t lose each other, alright?”

Several agreements echoed behind Chan.

With a squeeze to his shoulder, the manager let go of him again and smiled at Chan gently. “We’ll get you home safely, don’t worry.”

The second their manager opened the door, the screams penetrated his ears. 

Camera flashes blinded him and he pulled his hood deeper over his face, his grip on Minho tightening as they started their trip through the crowd. He could feel Jisung’s hand tightly gripping at his own, fingers laced to make sure they didn’t lose each other. 

The contact grounded Chan and he was able to make it halfway through the crowd. 

A sudden _ burst of manic laughter slicing through his brain _made him freeze in horror - and that was the moment everything slipped.

His grip on Minho loosened as darkness licked at the edge of his field of vision, the happy screams of the fangirls turning into screams of pain and horror. 

He almost didn’t dare to turn his head to look at Felix and Jisung behind him - but they weren’t behind him anymore. 

Or well, they were, but the people behind him didn’t look like the sunshine twins anymore.

The flesh was melting off their bones, rotting, peeling away, and falling to the ground as Felix stretched out a hand to a stumbling Chan.

_ “HELP US!” _

Chan’s screams got lost in the crowd of terrified fans.

He awoke to the beeping of machines. 

It was too bright in here...too many, too many lights for his aching head. He closed his eyes again with a groan.

And it was silent. Dead silent safe for the continuous beeping of machines next to his head.

Where was he?

The door to the room opened to let a person walk in - a woman. She was dressed in white and carrying what looked like a clipboard.

Wait.

Was he in a hospital?

She smiled as she met Chan’s eyes, bowing quickly. “Good evening, Chan-ssi. How are you feeling?”

Chan blinked, frowning. How was he feeling? He didn’t know. 

He reached up to touch his head and was surprised to find several patches attached to it with wires that led to a machine next to the bed.

“What- is all of this?” he managed to ask instead of answering the nurse’s question.

She came closer, checking some of the data on the machines. “Machines to monitor your sleep. You were brought into the hospital a few days ago - do you remember anything?”

Chan blinked. “I slept for several days?”

The nurse nodded, a sympathetic smile on her face. “And it seems like you needed it - with the hallucinations you seemed to be having.”

Now that she said it…

Chan shuddered as he remembered the horrific picture of the sunshine twins standing before him. 

“I...yeah, I saw them like...like my dreams became reality…” he whispered. 

“Your dreams?”

Chan burrowed his head in his hands. “I dreamed of them dying...my...my members- and then it happened right in-” He barely registered the beeping of one of the machines picking up on speed as he heaved in a shaking breath, almost choking out a sob.

The nurse frowned, sitting on a chair next to the bed. “It wasn’t real, Chan-ssi - none of it.” Her calm voice pulled Chan from his mind again. 

She smiled as he looked at her again. 

“There are a few guys who want to see you. Should I let them in?”

“H-how many?”

“Seven - but I’ll only let in three at a time.”

Chan nodded numbly before she left the room.

Not long after, three new faces slowly crept inside - Minho, Felix and Jisung.

Chan’s eyes widened as he saw them and relief made an impossibly heavy weight fall from his shoulders as he saw that the two younger boys were okay - nothing horrible had happened to them.

“Oh, hyung…” Felix whispered, running over to the bed to melt into Chan’s waiting, opened arms. 

Oh, how good it felt to be holding him close again.

“_ Thank fuck you’re okay, _” Chan breathed out, hiding his face in Felix’s hair, relishing in the comfort that being close to Felix always gave him.

“_ We’re here and well, hyung, it’s okay, _” Felix answered, his voice choked up. 

Minho and Jisung came closer. There were tears in the eyes of the younger rapper and even though Minho was smiling, it was shaky, wobbling at the edges.

Chan didn’t hesitate to hug both of them as Felix let go of him, comforting Jisung gently as he started to cry and letting Minho hold him so gently as if he would break at more contact than necessary.

“I’m gonna make sure you’ll never have nightmares like this again, hyung.” Hearing Minho sound so close to crying was new for Chan, but he hid his surprise behind a gentle smile as he cuddled deeper into Minho's chest.

“It’s okay now,” he whispered. “I have found my light. I’ll never have to walk through darkness alone again.”

**Author's Note:**

> How did you like it...if you did? <3 I'd be happy about kudos and comments! :***
> 
> (and to anyone who caught the Twenty One Pilots reference at the beginning - I LOVE YOU)


End file.
